For those who still care about the Star Wars franchise, Disney’s acquisition of Lucasfilm is the entertainment equivalent of the Donner Party. Just when it looks like all hope is lost, someone pulls out a frying pan and remarks that old Ironjaw Joe looks a lot more tender now that he’s passed on.
Normally, the proper satirical route would be to imagine the horrors that the Mouse’s manhandling might visit upon the vulnerable continuity of the Star Wars universe, but at this point even a remake of Brother Bear with Chewbacca as the bear sounds better than waiting for whatever idea jumps into George Lucas’ brain at 3 in the morning after a chalupa binge.
(Actually, now that I think of it, a movie where some random dude unexpectedly turns into Chewbacca would be pretty awesome. Sort of a Freaky Friday meets Harry and the Hendersons thing. Get Brendan Fraser in the lead and I’m down for a matinee ticket and a tub of popcorn.)
The thing is, previous Disney acquisitions like Marvel and Pixar have done pretty well toiling under the ears of their corporate overlord. Cars 2 and Iron Man 2 both kinda sucked, but Star Wars Episode II has already been dragged into existence by Lucas himself, so maybe we’re in safe territory now.
And I’ll say it: I liked Muppets From Space. Now that I’ve admitted it in public, not only do I feel like a burden has been lifted from my soul, I can stop sending hush money to some guy in South America calling himself “El Puerco Mullido.”
Truth told, there are a number of rudderless franchises I’d like to see enruddered by the Happiest Unfathomably Huge Multinational Entertainment Corporation on Earth.
Let’s start with Popeye. An entire generation of children is growing up thinking of Popeye as “that fried-chicken guy.” If there’s one thing the world needs, it’s a children’s show about a smoking, muttering, one-eyed sailor with a chronic iron deficiency. Get on it, Disney!
Next up: Dungeons & Dragons. When the best iteration of your brand as an entertainment franchise includes a baby unicorn named “Uni,” you need serious help. Let’s face it, Disney — Harry Potter and Twilight aren’t going up for sale anytime soon, so if you want a piece of that sweet fantasy action, you can probably pick up D&D for pennies on the hit point.
And finally, how about Happy Days? In a word where freaking 21 Jump Street gets a big-screen remake, how come the closest we’ve come to a Happy Days reboot is Arrested Development? Afternoons watching the Fonz in reruns are some of my most prized childhood memories, and I demand that you desecrate them.
And you know, just spitballing here, but if you own both Happy Days and Star Wars, well … Fonzie‘s ability to bend minds to his will (especially female minds), manipulate inanimate objects and maintain a ridiculous hairstyle under difficult circumstances — doesn’t that sound a bit like a Jedi to you? Think it over.
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Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a rebel, an imperial and a cockatiel.
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