Maura Tierney, Courtney B. Vance join Tom Hanks in Nora Ephron’s “Lucky Guy” on Broadway






LOS ANGELES (TheWrap.com) – Maura Tierney and Courtney B. Vance have joined the cast of “Lucky Guy.


The story of a tabloid columnist in 1980s New York will mark Tom HanksBroadway debut.






The writer isn’t too shabby either. Nora Ephron, the screenwriter of “When Harry Met Sally” and “Sleepless in Seattle,” wrote the script before she died of cancer last year. Hanks starred in Ephron’s “Sleepless in Seattle” and “You’ve Got Mail” and was one of the speakers at her New York City memorial last July.


Like Hanks, Tierney (left) will also be making her Broadway debut. She has appeared off-Broadway on stage and previously appeared in “ER” and “Newsradio,” earning an Emmy nomination for the former. She will play Hanks’ wife in “Lucky Guy.”


Vance is a stage veteran and a two-time Tony Award nominee. “Lucky Guy” will mark the first time he has appeared on Broadway since starring in August Wilson’s “Fences” and John Guare‘s “Six Degrees of Separation” in the 1980s. Vance is perhaps best known for his work on “Law & Order: Criminal Intent.” He will play Hanks’ editor.


George C. Wolfe (“Angels in America”) will direct the play, which also reunites Hanks with his “Bosom Buddies” co-star Peter Scolari.


“Lucky Guy” will play a limited engagement at the Broadhurst Theatre. It will open April 1, and previews will begin March 1.


Music News Headlines – Yahoo! News




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Recipes for Health: Cauliflower and Tuna Salad — Recipes for Health


Andrew Scrivani for The New York Times







I have added tuna to a classic Italian antipasto of cauliflower and capers dressed with vinegar and olive oil. For the best results give the cauliflower lots of time to marinate.




1 large or 2 small or medium cauliflowers, broken into small florets


1 5-ounce can water-packed light (not albacore) tuna, drained


1 plump garlic clove, minced or pureƩd


1/3 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley


3 tablespoons capers, drained and rinsed


1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice


3 tablespoons sherry vinegar or champagne vinegar


6 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil


Salt and freshly ground pepper


1. Place the cauliflower in a steaming basket over 1 inch of boiling water, cover and steam 1 minute. Lift the lid for 15 seconds, then cover again and steam for 5 to 8 minutes, until tender. Refresh with cold water, then drain on paper towels.


2. In a large bowl, break up the tuna fish and add the cauliflower.


3. In a small bowl or measuring cup, mix together the garlic, parsley, capers, lemon juice, vinegar, and olive oil. Season generously with salt and pepper. Add the cauliflower and toss together. Marinate, stirring from time to time, for 30 minutes if possible before serving. Serve warm, cold, or at room temperature.


Yield: Serves 6 as a starter or side dish


Advance preparation: You can make this up to a day ahead, but omit the parsley until shortly before serving so that it doesn’t fade. It keeps well in the refrigerator for up to 5 days.


Nutritional information per serving: 188 calories; 15 grams fat; 2 grams saturated fat; 2 grams polyunsaturated fat; 10 grams monounsaturated fat; 10 milligrams cholesterol; 8 grams carbohydrates; 3 grams dietary fiber; 261 milligrams sodium (does not include salt to taste); 9 grams protein


Martha Rose Shulman is the author of “The Very Best of Recipes for Health.”


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Safety of Boeing 787 Dreamliner Called Into Question







NEW YORK — For Boeing, much rides on the success of its newest and most sophisticated jet, the 787 Dreamliner. But a spate of mishaps is reviving concerns about the plane’s reliability and safety.




The plane had a new problem Wednesday when the Japanese carrier All Nippon Airways cancelled a domestic flight after a computer on board erroneously showed problems with the aircraft’s brakes. A spokeswoman for the airline, Megumi Tezuka, said the computer glitch was similar to one that appeared when the carrier first started flying the Dreamliners in 2011.


The flight NH698 had been due to depart from Yamaguchi Ube airport in southern Japan for Tokyo’s Haneda airport at 4:50 p.m. local time. The flight’s 98 passengers were transferred to a later flight.


On Tuesday, a fuel leak forced a 787 to return to its gate minutes before taking off from Boston. On Monday, an electrical fire had broken out on another plane. Both of those incidents affected planes operated by Japan Airlines at Logan International Airport in Boston.


The three events were the latest in a series of problems with the 787, which entered commercial service in November 2011 and has had technical and electrical malfunctions since then. Boeing delivered 46 planes last year, more than any analyst had predicted, and has outlined ambitious plans to double its production rate to 10 planes a month by the end of this year.


Boeing expects to sell 5,000 of the planes in the next 20 years. The basic model has a list price of $206.8 million, but early customers typically received deep discounts to make up for the production delays and teething problems. All this means it could be years before Boeing starts recouping its investment costs and turning a profit on the planes.


Shares of Boeing dropped 2.6 percent to $74.13 Tuesday, extending the drop of 2 percent Monday.


The 787 makes extensive use of new technology, including a bigger reliance on electrical systems, and is built mostly out of lightweight carbon composite materials. While the problems so far do not point to serious design problems with the airplane, they represent an embarrassment to Boeing’s manufacturing ability.


“None of this is a showstopper, and none of this should signal this product is fundamentally flawed,” said Richard Aboulafia, an aerospace analyst at the Teal Group, a consulting firm. “But whether these are design glitches or manufacturing glitches, either way it’s a serious hit to Boeing’s image.”


The fuel leak Tuesday was spotted by another pilot as JAL Flight 007, bound for Tokyo, was taxiing and getting ready to take off, said Richard Walsh, a spokesman for the Massachusetts Port Authority. The plane was towed back to its gate and the leak of about 40 gallons, or about 150 liters, was cleaned up.


The flight with 178 passengers and 11 crew members, scheduled to take off at noon, eventually left Boston at 3:47 p.m.


An electrical fire Monday on a 787 was traced to a battery connected to the plane’s auxiliary power unit, which runs electrical systems when the plane is not getting power from its engines.


The fire broke out about 30 minutes after the flight landed from Tokyo, and all 183 passengers and crew members had left. The smoke was first detected in the cabin by maintenance and cleaning personnel who were on the parked plane and notified the airport’s fire department.


The National Transportation Safety Board, which is investigating the electrical fire, said the battery had “severe fire damage.”


New planes often experience problems in the first few years of production. But the succession of issues with the 787, which has already been marred by production delays of years, has revived concerns about the plane’s reliability and safety.


Last month, the Federal Aviation Administration ordered inspections of fuel line connectors on all 787s, warning of a risk of leaks and fires. Separately, a United Airlines 787 was also diverted in December after one of six electrical generators failed in flight.


In a statement Tuesday, Boeing said that it saw no relationship between the battery problem and previous incidents with the 787’s power system, which involved faults in power panels elsewhere in the electrical equipment bay.


“Boeing is cooperating with the N.T.S.B. in the investigation of this incident,” the company said. “Before providing more detail, we will give our technical teams the time they need to do a thorough job and ensure we are dealing with facts, not speculation.”


A Boeing spokesman, Marc Birtel, said the plane maker was aware of the fuel leak incident but declined to comment.


A spokeswoman for Japan Airlines in Tokyo said that the company was still gathering the details about the two incidents and that there were no plans to change its orders for 787s. The airline has seven 787s already in service, and 38 more on order. The spokeswoman declined to be named, citing company policy.


All Nippon Airways, which also operates Dreamliners, likewise said there were no plans to change its orders for the aircraft. Ms. Tezuka, the spokeswoman for ANA, said the airline had 17 787s in service and another 49 on order.


United Airlines, currently the only airline in the United States operating 787s, said it had performed inspections on all six of its 787s after the electrical fire Monday. It did not cancel any of its flights today, said Mary Ryan, a spokeswoman for the airline. She said United “continues to work closely with Boeing on the reliability of our 787s.”


But she declined to comment on a report in The Wall Street Journal that said the airline had found improperly installed wiring in components associated with the auxiliary power unit.


Bettina Wassener reported from Hong Kong.



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LAPD force exceeds 10,000 for the first time, officials say









For the first time in the city's history, Los Angeles' police force now exceeds 10,000 officers, city officials said Monday.


Appearing with LAPD Chief Charlie Beck to discuss the continued drop in crime last year, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said the department is budgeted for 10,023 officers, up from the 9,963 authorized over the last three years, during a deep budget crisis.


The staffing increase took effect Jan. 1, when 60 sworn officers moved into the LAPD from the General Services Department, which patrols parks, libraries and other municipal buildings, said Villaraigosa spokesman Peter Sanders. Those officers will continue to patrol city facilities, budget officials said.





Some questioned the significance of the staffing milestone, since the overall number of sworn officers employed by the city hasn't grown.


"It's an increase for show," said Kevin James, a candidate for mayor in the March 5 election who has questioned Villaraigosa's LAPD hiring goals. "The mayor really wanted to get to 10,000 one way or the other before he left office, and this was the way he could do it under the current budget constraints."


Los Angeles experienced a 10.5% decrease in gang crime and an 8.2% drop in violent crime last year, compared with 2011. The city had the lowest number of violent crimes per capita of any major city, including New York and Chicago, Villaraigosa said.


The mayor attributed those numbers — and a decade-long decline in crime — in large part to the expansion of the police force.


Villaraigosa originally promised to add 1,000 new officers to the department during the 2005 election campaign, criticizing then-Mayor James K. Hahn for failing to do so. Since then, he has succeeded in adding 800 officers, Sanders said. On Monday, Villaraigosa suggested that the addition of the final 200 will not be achieved until after June 30, when he leaves office.


"I would hope that the next mayor would, as we get out of this economic crisis, increase our Police Department to that 1,000," he said.


While Villaraigosa has been pushing for continued hiring at the LAPD, Beck has warned in recent weeks that the LAPD would lose 500 officers if voters fail to approve Proposition A, a half-cent sales tax measure on the March 5 ballot. That would represent more than half of the LAPD buildup accomplished by Villaraigosa.


Despite Beck's warnings, Villaraigosa said he is not ready to endorse Proposition A until the council makes a series of cost-cutting moves, such as turning over operation of the city zoo to a private entity.


Since Villaraigosa took office, homicides have decreased 38% and gang crime has dropped by a similar amount. The number of slayings has stayed largely the same over the last three years, with 297 homicides in 2010, 297 in 2011 and 298 last year. Overall crime dropped 1.4% last year. Property crimes, which are more numerous than violent crimes, increased for the first time in several years — driven in part by a 30% increase in cell phone thefts, officials said.


With little money to pay officers for overtime, the department has been compensating them with time off. The resulting staffing loss has been the equivalent of about 450 officers at any given time, according to department figures — a hit that has complicated crime-fighting strategies.


Preserving LAPD funding has become increasingly challenging for council members. For nine months they have debated whether to lay off dozens of civilian LAPD employees while continuing to hire enough police officers to maintain current staffing levels.


Councilman Paul Koretz, who opposed the layoffs, said the movement of the 60 building patrol officers to the LAPD was "a little smoke and mirrors." He questioned whether the LAPD buildup in the Villaraigosa era was financially sustainable.


"It just seems like we really never did the analysis to see if we could afford it," he said.


A defeat of the sales tax increase, which is projected to generate roughly $215 million in new revenue, would leave council members no choice but to roll back the size of the LAPD, Koretz said.


But Villaraigosa warned that would be dangerous, saying other California cities have seen upticks in crime after cutting back on officers.


"I know some people think that 10,000 cops is a magical illusion, a meaningless number, that more officers don't necessarily lead to a reduction in crime," said the mayor, adding: "Those critics talk a lot, but they're just plain wrong."


david.zahniser@latimes.com


richard.winton@latimes.com





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<em>Game|Life Weekly</em>: Japanese Imports Kick Off the New Year in Games















It’s the beginning of a new year, and you know what that means: Not a lot of games are coming out. This is not great when you do a weekly video wrapping up the latest releases, as we do here at Game|Life. Fortunately, the nation of Japan has provided us with a couple of things to talk about: Anarchy Reigns for consoles and Unchained Blades for the 3DS eShop. Watch this video and see if you want to buy them, or what.






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Ryan Lochte gets E! reality show






NEW YORK (TheWrap.com) – You saw this one coming, right? Swimmer Ryan Lochte is getting a reality show on E!


The Olympic gold medal winner – known for his catchphrase “Jeah” (pronounced zh-yah) – will star in “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” The series will follow him as he meets women, copes with the fallout of his mom saying he only has time for one-night stands, explores his interest in fashion, and even occasionally swims.






In scenes shown at the Television Critics Association winter press tour Monday, Lochte was seen going out partying the night before he was due to swim, flirted, and made up words as he tried to explain himself. It was pretty funny.


TV News Headlines – Yahoo! News





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The New Old Age Blog: Who Should Receive Organ Transplants?

Joe Gammalo had been contending with pulmonary fibrosis, a scarring of the lungs, for more than a decade when he came to the Cleveland Clinic in 2008 seeking a lung transplant.

“It had gotten to the point where I was on oxygen all the time and in a wheelchair,” he told me in an interview. “I didn’t expect to live.”

Lung transplants are a dicey proposition, involving a huge surgical procedure, arduous follow-up, the lifelong use of potent immunosuppressive drugs and high rates of serious side effects. “It’s not like taking out an appendix,” said Dr. Marie Budev, the medical director of the clinic’s lung transplant program.

Only 50 to 57 percent of all recipients live for five years, she noted, and they will still die of their disease. But there’s no other treatment for pulmonary fibrosis.

Some medical centers would have turned Mr. Gammalo away. Because survival rates are even lower for older patients, guidelines from the International Society for Heart and Lung Transplantation caution against lung transplants for those over 65, though they set no age limit.

But “we are known as an aggressive, high-risk center,” said Dr. Budev. So Mr. Gammalo was 66 when he received a lung; his newly found buddy, Clyde Conn, who received the other lung from the same donor, was 69.

You can’t mistake the trend: A graying population and revised policies determining who gets priority for donated organs, have led to a rising proportion of older adults receiving transplants.

My colleague Judith Graham has reported on the increase in heart transplants, but the pattern extends to other organs, too.

The number of kidney transplants performed annually on adults over 65 tripled between 1998 and last year, according to data from the Scientific Registry of Transplant Recipients. In 2001, 7.4 percent of liver transplant recipients were over 65; last year, that rose to 13 percent.

The rise in elderly lung transplant candidates is particularly dramatic because, since 2005, a “lung allocation score” puts those at the highest mortality risk, rather than those who’ve waited longest, at the top of the list.

In 2001, about 3 percent of those on the wait list and of those transplanted were over 65; last year, older patients represented almost 18 percent of wait-listed candidates and more than a quarter of transplant recipients. (Medicare pays for the surgery, though patients face co-pays and considerable out-of-pocket costs, including for drugs and travel.)

The debate has grown, too: When the number of adults awaiting transplants keeps growing, but organ donations stay flat, is it desirable or even ethical that an increasing proportion of recipients are elderly?

Dr. Budev, who estimated that a third of her program’s patients are over 65, votes yes. As long as a program selects candidates carefully, “how can you deny them a therapy?” she asked. So the Cleveland Clinic has no age limit. “We feel that everyone should have a chance.”

At the University of Michigan, by contrast, the age limit remains 65, though Dr. Kevin Chan, the transplant program’s medical director, acknowledged that some fit older patients get transplanted.

“You can talk about this all day — it’s a tough one,” Dr. Chan said. Younger recipients have greater physiologic reserve to aid in the arduous recovery; older ones face higher risk of subsequent kidney failure, stroke, diabetes and other diseases, and, of course, their lifespans are shorter to begin with.

Donated lungs, fragile and prone to injury, are a particularly scarce commodity. Last year, surgeons performed 16,055 kidney transplants, 5,805 liver transplants and 1,949 heart transplants. Only1,830 patients received lung transplants.

“What if there’s a 35-year-old on a ventilator who needs the lung just as much?” Dr. Chan said. “Why should a 72-year-old possibly take away a lung from a 35-year-old?” Yet, he acknowledged, “it’s easy to look at the statistics and say, ‘Give the lungs to younger patients.’ At the bedside, when you meet this patient and family, it’s a lot different.”

These questions about who deserves scarce resources — those most likely to die without them? or those most likely to live longer with them? — will persist as the population ages. They’re also likely to arise when the International Society for Heart and Lung Transplantation begins working towards revised guidelines this spring. (I’d also like to hear your take, below.)

Lots of 65- and 75-year-olds are very healthy. Yet transplants themselves can cause harm and there’s no backup, like dialysis. Without the transplant, they die. But when the transplant goes wrong, they also die.

More than four years post-transplant, the Cleveland Clinic’s “lung brothers” are success stories. Mr. Conn, who lives near Dayton, Ohio, can’t walk very far or lift more than 10 pounds, but he works part time as a real-estate appraiser and enjoys cruises with his wife.

Mr. Gammalo, a onetime musician, has developed diabetes, like nearly half of all lung recipients. But he went onstage a few weeks back to sing “Don’t Be Cruel” with his son’s rock band, “a highlight of both our lives,” he said.

Yet when I asked Mr. Conn, now 73, how he felt about having priority over a younger but healthier person, he paused. “It’s a good question,” he said, to which he had no answer.


Paula Span is the author of “When the Time Comes: Families With Aging Parents Share Their Struggles and Solutions.”

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Richard Ben Cramer, Wrote of Presidential Politics, Dies at 62





Richard Ben Cramer, the Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter and the author of “What it Takes,” a superbly detailed account of the 1988 presidential election considered among the finest books about American politics ever written, died in Baltimore on Monday night. He was 62.




His daughter, Ruby Cramer, said he died of complications from lung cancer at Johns Hopkins University Medical Center.


Mr. Cramer was born on June 12, 1950, in Rochester, N.Y. He went to Johns Hopkins University as an undergraduate and later studied at Columbia University’s Graduate of Journalism. He worked at The Baltimore Sun before joining The Philadelphia Inquirer in the 1970s, where he was a Middle East correspondent from 1977 to 1984. He won a Pulitzer Prize in 1979 for his reporting there.


He went on to write for Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone and Esquire, where in 1986, he wrote an article, “What Do You Think of Ted Williams Now?,” about the iconic baseball player. The article, which seemed to strip Mr. Williams bare and reconstruct him anew in the eyes of his fans, became a hallmark of sports journalism.


“It was often said Ted would rather play ball in a lab, where fans couldn’t see,” Mr. Cramer wrote. “But he never blamed fans for watching him. His hate was for those who couldn’t or wouldn’t feel with him, his effort, his exultation, pride, rage, or sorrow.” But Mr. Cramer will be most remembered for “What it Takes,” a 1,000-page, vigorously researched tome that delved into the passions, idiosyncrasies and flaws of George H. W. Bush, Bob Dole, Michael Dukakis, Joseph R. Biden Jr. and other candidates as they fought for the presidency in 1988.


As he reported for the book, he spent time with the candidates’ family members, college roommates and sometimes even their elementary schoolteachers.


He became close with the candidates themselves and in some cases forged friendships that endured after the election. Mr. Biden later gave him tips on fixing up an old farmhouse that he purchased in Maryland, he said in a 2010 interview with Politico.


“He made no bones about the fact that he became friendly with the people he reported on,” said his longtime friend Stuart Seidel, an editor at National Public Radio. “He liked Joe Biden and Bob Dole and both Bushes. He did not feel compromised by allowing himself to get close to them. He did not see himself in a confrontational reportorial role — he was telling a story.”


The book begins with Mr. Bush, then the vice president, throwing out the first pitch at a Houston Astros game in 1986.


“He’ll be cheered by 44,131 fans — and it’s not even a risky crowd, the kind that might get testy because oil isn’t worth a damn, Houston’s economy is down the crapper, and no one’s buying aluminum siding,” he wrote. “This is a playoff crowd, a corporate-perks crowd, the kind of fellows who were transferred in a few years ago from Stamford, Conn. You know, for that new marketing thing (and were, frankly, delighted by the price of housing), a solid GOP crowd, tax-conscious, white and polite.”


The book is in many ways the product of a bygone era, before quote approval and a micromanaged press corps, and when minute-by-minute coverage of a presidential campaign or anything else was a technological impossibility.


In a 2011 interview with The New York Times, Mr. Cramer described political journalists in his day as wielding real power, a contrast with now, when campaigns can seem to hold reporters at their mercy.


“Even if you had the wherewithal to embarrass a reporter, there was no mechanism to do it,” Mr. Cramer said. “And in most cases, you might as well save your breath because the reporter had no shame anyway.”


“What it Takes” received poor reviews, and sales were initially poor. Fellow journalists were also slow to see its value. Disappointed, Mr. Cramer never again wrote as prodigiously about politics. Rather, he turned his attention to other interests. He wrote a biography about Joe DiMaggio and returned to the Middle East for a book about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.


Mr. Cramer lived in Chestertown, Md., with his wife, Joan Cramer, who survives him. He was previously married to Carolyn White, with whom he had his daughter, Ruby Cramer.


Jennifer M. Preston and Katharine Q. Seelye contributed reporting.



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From gang member to team player









SAN FRANCISCO — Luis Aroche learned about violence at Leonard R. Flynn Elementary School, across from the projects where his friend Carl lived.


He remembers sitting down at his desk and seeing his teacher, Mrs. Foster, in tears. His class had just finished the Pledge of Allegiance.


"Carl was playing on the swings and got shot," Aroche said. "And died. Kindergarten. He got found laying in a pool of blood in the park," Aroche paused. Swallowed. Started up again. "He was my desk buddy. He would go with me to the bathroom. And now, Carl wasn't there.





"That was my first experience of loss. And I didn't understand it. To this day, I don't understand it."


Aroche since has become something of an expert on violence — as victim, perpetrator and now as part of a hoped-for solution. Last year, San Francisco Dist. Atty. George Gascon hired the former gang member to be his office's first "alternative sentencing planner," part of an effort to keep offenders from ending up back behind bars.


The position, criminal justice experts say, has no equivalent in any prosecutor's office in the country.


And Aroche is as singular as his job. An Aztec skull tattoo stretches down his right forearm to his hand, its grimace partly wiped away by laser removal. The day his juvenile record was sealed, he says, was the happiest of his life.


Today, he helps prosecutors figure out who among San Francisco's low-level offenders deserves a jail cell and who deserves a second chance.


He knows a lot about both.


::


If you were Aroche, 12 years old and living in the Mission District in 1990 — when gangs and crack cocaine meant funerals were as commonplace as quinceaƱeras — you got a tattoo, cut school and drank beer. You thought a stint in Pelican Bay State Prison was like going off to "Stanford or Yale." You practiced how to sit and talk and smoke like the toughest prisoners.


"We would learn how to iron our clothes using a comb, 'cause that's how you iron your pants in prison," Aroche said. "You iron it with the teeth of the comb … and then you put it underneath the mattress."


Aroche's first tattoo was a small cross on his left hand, in the soft web between thumb and forefinger. He got it in an alleyway not far from the studio apartment where he slept on the floor with his five brothers, three sisters, the occasional niece or nephew. His parents got the bed in the corner.


His Salvadoran mother was a chambermaid at a Fisherman's Wharf motel, his Puerto Rican father a security guard in the Navy shipyards.


And his older brothers? They would disappear for years. Aroche didn't know why until his father took him to visit San Quentin State Prison. They were "main men" in a notorious Northern California prison gang. When they were out, they were "the mayors of the Mission."


By the time Aroche was 15, he was drinking so much and incarcerated so often that he gave himself a test every night before he went to sleep. If he put out his hand and felt warm, smooth drywall, he knew he was home. If he felt cold, slick concrete, he was in custody.


One night he ended up in the hospital. He'd been drunk, hanging out in Lucky Alley, when a car drove up and the doors flew open. Aroche saw his friend get sliced with a machete. Gunshots rang out.


"And I remember some guy grabbing me and hitting me with a crowbar and stabbing me in my stomach," he said. "And I could feel the pierce of my stomach, just ripping me open.... And I thought, this is it. This is it. This is my life."


::


At the computer in his spartan office at the Hall of Justice, Aroche is poring over the official tale of another life in the balance: a 28-year-old woman on a downward spiral.





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Alt Text: 5 Ways to Save Energy Drinks From Themselves



The New York Times reports that energy drinks, in spite of their macho names like “Red Bull,” “Monster” and “Full Throttle,” have approximately the same effect as less aggressively named beverages like “skinny caramel macchiatos” and “Mello Yello.” Which is to say, they get you kinda high on sugar and caffeine and that’s it.


This may come as a blow to those who have to get up early, want to stay up late, or need to think of themselves as “straight edge” while still getting a tremendous rush. Sure, they could switch to Starbucks or Coke, but who wants to support huge corporate brands when they could support slightly less huge brands owned by huge corporate brands?


That’s why I’m gifting the world with my five ways to save Energy Drinks.


1. Just add energy
You know that feeling you get when you lick a 9-volt battery? What if every time you took a swig of your energy drink you also got a buzzing lip? Nothing like a mild and potentially harmless electrical shock to make you feel like dancing and/or studying the night away! With a little understanding from the FDA, we might even be able to provide cattle-prod-level stimulation to those who are willing to sign wavers.


2. Raise the stakes
Here’s the deal. Instead of your traditional energy drink that comes in one can, these new energy drinks will come in two cans: One includes a deadly poison, the other contains the antidote. Simply drink down the first can and hand the second to a friend, bartender or licensed Energy Drink Warden with instructions not to give you the second until you have successfully danced for three hours straight or gotten showered and dressed for work.


3. Train your brain
Makers of energy drinks claim — or rather imply in a carefully worded and legally acceptable manner — that their concoctions can improve brain function. While hard science refutes that, there are certainly ways to improve the brain while drinking energy drinks. For instance, require consumers to complete a moderately difficult Sudoku before they can buy one, or make it so you can only open it if you remember the capital of Bulgaria. Now the drink really does make you smarter!


4. Manage expectations
Given that we’ve already accepted “energy” as a synonym for “the jitters,” maybe the solution is just to switch out vague unsupported claims that sound good with vague, completely true claims that sound good. For instance, try the slogan “Red Bull Facilitates Your Krebs Cycle,” or “Amp: Contains What Will Eventually Become ATP.” If you’ve ever given Kool-Aid to a college freshman and told him it was spiked with Everclear, you know that beverages often do what the drinker thinks it will do, and also that college freshmen are an endless source of amusement. Make the drink sound exciting, and the drinker will become excited.


5. Legalize it
In the end, perhaps the best way to make energy drinks more effective is to make people less effective. After all, it may be difficult to come up with legal substances that improve mental performance, it’s pretty easy to figure out ways to degrade mental performance in society at large. For instance, we could make highly processed, calorie-rich foods cheap and widely available so that people can eat themselves into a coma whenever they want. Legalize and market substances that interfere with clear thought, like alcohol and marijuana. We could even devise entertainment that requires almost no intellectual investment on the part of the watcher, and then create a culture where discussion of said entertainment replaces most actual conversational engagement. In such an environment, it would be easy for someone to down a few ounces of sugar and caffeine and convince themselves that they’re operating on a higher level, rather than merely attempting to imitate basic human competence.


Okay, that last one sounds a little crazy. What can I say, I just pounded a couple cans of Rockstar and I’m kinda buzzing.


- - -


Born helpless, naked and unable to care for himself, Lore Sjoberg overcame these handicaps to learn that the capital of Bulgaria is Sofia.


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